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MELVIN'S COLUMN
GUIDELINES FOR
TRAVELERS ENTERING AMERICA
By MELVIN DURAI
 A
U.S. Appeals Court has
ruled that airport officials do not need "reasonable suspicion" to
download data from a traveler's laptop or personal electronic storage
device and keep it indefinitely. Coincidentally, the Department of
Homeland Security has issued new guidelines for people entering
America by air:
1. By entering the
United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to search all
your belongings. This includes all items you are bringing to the
United States, as well as items you have left behind. Be prepared to
provide your home address, a set of keys and a copy of directions from
Google maps.
2. By entering the
United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to search your
body and your clothing, together or apart.
You may be asked to
remove any head covering, including but not limited to: (a) skullcaps;
(b) turbans; and (c) toupees.
You may be asked to
remove any body covering, including but not limited to: (a) shirts;
(b) dresses; and (c) plaster casts.
You may be asked to
remove items attached to your head or body, including but not limited
to: (a) false teeth; (b) nose rings; and (c) cell phones.
3. By entering the
United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to use various
means to detect explosives, drugs or other illegal substances that you
may be carrying or have recently consumed.
You may be subject to
an X-ray of various body parts, including but not limited to: (a) your
stomach; (b) your brain; and (c) your implants.
You may be subject to
a thorough and intense dog sniffing. The sniffing may be directed
toward but is not limited to: (a) your luggage; (b) your hand baggage;
(c) your backside.
If you are afraid of
dogs, you have the option of being sniffed by a lion.
You may also be asked
to provide samples of fluids for testing, including but not limited
to: (a) saliva; (b) urine; and (c) sweat. (The sweat will be collected
during the interrogation.)
4. By entering the
United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to collect
various data from you.
You may be subject to
a collection of identification data from your body, including but not
limited to: (a) your fingerprints; (b) a DNA sample; and (c) one of
your kidneys.
You may be subject to
a series of photographs, including but not limited to: (a) a "getting
off the plane" shot; (b) an "entering the terminal" shot; and (c) a
"using the restroom" shot.
You may be subject to
a series of questions while hooked to a
polygraph, including but not limited to: (a) "Did anyone pack your
bags for you?" (b) "Have you ever been part of an organization that
supports terrorism?" (c) "Do you agree with the statements of Barack
Obama's former pastor?"
You may be asked to
hand over your laptop computer, cell phone or other electronic storage
device so that we may download information for our database, including
but not limited to: (a) addresses and phone numbers of your contacts;
(b) names of people you have poked on Facebook; and (c) jokes about
President Bush you have forwarded.
5. By entering the
United States, you give us the unqualified legal right to implant a
Global Positioning System (GPS) inside you. As requested by the
American Civil Liberties Union, the GPS system will automatically
disintegrate and be absorbed by your body within 100 years.
Please note that you
will be allowed to enter the United States only if you are deemed to
be a low-risk threat and only if, by the time all the security
procedures are taken, your visa has not expired.
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