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HUMOUR COLUMN
STILL FIGURING OUT WHAT WOMEN
WANT
THROUGHOUT HISTORY, men have
been trying to impress women, and throughout history, men have failed
miserably. It began with Oongah the caveman, who thought he could
impress the cavewomen by hunting mammoths and other large animals.
After each hunting trip, he would return home with various tusk
injuries, mostly to his buttocks, and show them off to all the cave
dwellers, saying, "See! Me real man!"
The cavewomen would giggle,
then cast their eyes on Dongah, who had set himself apart from the
other cavemen by doing something that seemed rather gentlemanly in
those days: going outside to pee. What everyone didn't realize was
that Dongah was going farther and farther away from the cave.
Like generations of men to
follow, he was marking his territory. Soon he controlled a vast
expanse of land, whichhe showed off to all the cave dwellers, saying,
"See! Me real estate man!"
At first, the cavewomen were
impressed with Dongah's property, which included many caves, trees and
rocks. But it didn't take long for them to realize that he couldn't
give them what they really desired: credit cards.
When it came to inventing
things, Dongah was out of his element, overshadowed by a caveman named
Hongah, widely considered the greatest inventor of his time, having
created what he called the "female-impressing raging energy" (FIRE).
Unfortunately for Hongah, fire didn't impress many women, partly
because they could no longer relax in the evening.
They were now expected to
cook.
But Hongah was determined to impress women, so he spent his days and
nights on an even greater invention, one that would have an impact on
the female species until the very end of time. He called it the
handbag. Unfortunately for Hongah, when he presented this new object,
made of the finest rabbit's fur, to an attractive cavewoman, she hit
him over the head with it, saying, "Cook it yourself." This was the
beginning of women's lib.
Fast forward to the 21st
century and only the names have changed. Oongah is Oliver, the
muscle-bound man who pumps iron at the local gym, attracting the
attention of women by grunting loudly like a caveman. He has a chest
the size of a washing machine, yet he's saving up for pectoral
implants. He wears tank tops, participates in various sports and
activities, and is eager to share details of his latest injury,
whether he sprained his ankle while skiing or strained his frontal
lobe while reading.
Dongah is Donald, the real
estate magnate who is creating his own empire, signing deals to buy
hotels, casinos and sky scrapers, marking his territory as publicly as
possible,
simply by pulling out his pen. He surrounds himself with beautiful
women and tries to keep them happy by giving them the best handbags in
the world -- handbags full of credit
cards.
Hongah is Hitesh, the
technology whiz from India who owns so many gadgets his friends call
him "Hi-tech." All his gadgets are wireless and multi-functional, such
as the cell phone he uses to take digital pictures and the digital
camera he uses to make phone calls. Whenever he meets a woman, Hitesh
brings out his gadgets, introducing them with more pride than most
people introduce their children.
Each of these men has
something to offer women: Oliver has bulging muscles, Donald has
sprawling property and Hitesh has 100 gigabytes of disk space. But the
women don't stick around for long. Strange creatures, they seem to be
looking for something else.
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